A Letter to Mom

October 26, 2019

Mom,

I'm writing to let you know that your father passed away at the end of August. Isaac and I drove down to Indiana for the funeral. (Shane and Allie stayed behind because she had daily tennis practices and a match or two.) It was wonderful to see everyone. Aunt Sharon was there from Idaho and stayed with Grandma for a few weeks. She is retired now an is considering a move to Arizona. Aunt Margo and Uncle Bob were there. Sasha, Wes and his wife, and Vanessa were there. Uncle Jim, Uncle John and Aunt Deb, Megan (who was expecting her 3rd baby at the time), Jonny and his wife and their little girl, Jack, Jarod and his fiancee (now wife) were also there. As was Uncle Rod and Aunt Betty. We missed you, Uncle Mike, Aunt Leslie, and Collin. Uncle Mike has been losing his vision and Aunt Leslie has dementia. Lots of friends were also there.
The funeral was at the beautifully restored Sweet Church. The bell was rung 95 times as the pallbearers carried the casket across the road to Sweet Cemetery. Grandad's resting place is in the far left corner -- right up against the corn fields. Very appropriate for someone who farmed til he was ninety. The VFW was there and presented their gun salute. My favorite part were the three sailors from the US Navy in their crisp white uniforms. They folded the flag that draped the coffin with precision and care. One of them presented it to Grandma with the words, "On behalf of the United States Navy and the President of the United States, we thank you...." I don't remember the words exactly. There was much sniffling as it was a very moving moment.
After the funeral, Grandma had a minor stroke, followed by another 2 weeks later. An MRI revealed early stages of Alzheimer's. It's my understanding that the stroke didn't have any lasting effects; however at 94 years of age, she is frail.
Shane and the kids and I are doing well. Isaac is enjoying his senior year by joining every orchestra around. He's quite good at the string bass and at music composition. We're looking at colleges.
Allie is enjoying her sophomore year. She enjoyed her 2nd year of junior varsity tennis and has her sights on making varsity next year. She loves tennis so much, she played it daily during the summer. She has the tan to prove it.
I work at a local middle school in special education and I enjoy it. It's rewarding work.
Shane works from home still and enjoys the work he does. He has our dog to keep him company. In February of 2018, we adopted a rescue dog. She's a yellow lab mix about 60 lbs and her name is Raelyn. We got her when she was a year and 3 months old. She was brought up to Wisconsin from Alabama with her one remaining puppy from a litter she just had. It would have been nice if we had been able to keep them together but we couldn't handle a puppy in winter with no one to potty train it except Shane who would be trying to get his own work done. Allie and I are especially fond of Raelyn. She sleeps on her bed at night and takes up quite a lot of space! We laugh about it.
Our kids are growing up and are very nearly grown. We're proud of the young adults they're becoming. They are kind, considerate, generous, polite, thoughtful, and so much more. You would be proud. I know you are. Perhaps one day you'll get to meet them. It is unfortunate that circumstances have not allowed that to happen. Please be patient. I know you don't understand. No doubt it's been painful for you. Please stop calling the police in my area. We are fine. We are not alcoholics. Your disorganized thinking is telling you that. I know it's not your fault. Schizophrenia is a terrible disease that has cost you so much. If only you were aware of how much you stood to lose when you stopped taking your anti-psychotic meds in the late 1990's. Oh well. What's done is done.
I'm happy to send you occasional letters on how we're doing and what we're up to as long as you stop trying to convince people that my children belong with you. Not gonna happen, Mom. When they are adults, they can choose whether or not to meet you. You're just going to have to wait.
Until then, focus on the good things in your life. Be kind to others. Make new friends. Be the kind of person that you want your grandchildren to look up to. Take care of yourself.

Love,

Cindy

Things My Grandma Taught Me

To Grandma Sieber, with love.

Things my grandma taught me:

• Hospitality - "Are you hungry? Here, let me fry you up a pork chop."
• Generosity - "Come down to the cellar and you can collect the pennies from all the pocket change left on the table." My Bugs Bunny bank held a lot of those pennies!
• A love of animals, including how to talk to cats (and dogs) - Grandma once had a black-and-white cat named Blackfoot, whom she adored. He adored her right back. I marvelled at how he would flop down on his back and writhe around happily at her feet while she cooed at him, telling him what a good kitty he was. To me, he was a snob:  hissing merely because I wanted to pet him. (How dare he?! I was totally innocent!) Haha. Incidentally, I still talk to cats and dogs the way I saw her do it and it drives my husband nuts. He'll leave the room if I start up. 😄
• The importance of quality time - Before I knew what "quality time" was, I knew that my relationship with my grandma was a special one. Although some of my best memories are at my other grandma's house (thanks to cousins), Grandma Sieber was my favorite grandparent hands down. She spent a lot of one-on-one time with me. She taught me how to play cards, how to shuffle (an important life skill, as I once tried to convince my reluctant daughter), how to play Chinese Checkers, how to bake bread with its many steps: kneading, punching the dough down after it rose... Those were wonderful years when I had grandma all to myself. ❤ (EDIT: I don't mean for this to come across as bragging. As an only child of a mentally ill mom, I grew up spending so much time by myself, that it meant that much more to me that Grandma was willing to spend time with me. My mom was often in her own little world. Case in point: one day she was tending to her flower garden and ignoring my attempts to get her attention. Apparently, I decided to run over her 'precious' annuals with my bike. The neighbor, who recounted this story to me years later, watched in sadness as my mom continued to ignore me and forlornly tried to put her flowers back together. I understand it now, and even feel compassion for her, but back then, well - let's just say that her lack of attention to me was difficult in many ways.)<3 li="">
• The importance of a sense of humor - We often enjoyed making each other laugh. We could joke around over the phone for 30 minutes without really saying anything at all. Silly phrases like, "Dad burn it anyhow," "He doesn't know sick-'em," "Have I reached the party to whom I'm speaking?" and "See you in the funnies!" It didn't make sense to anyone but us. As an adult, I also talk to my daughter in our own special lingo, which (surprise!) drives Shane nuts, so we're stealthy about it. 😏
• How to laugh with your whole face - I loved it when she'd throw her head back and guffaw. Once, in the 1970's, my dad took a well-timed picture of her doing that. It's one of my favorite pictures ever.
• How to use nicknames as terms of endearment - Hers for me was, "Cinny Linnie;" mine for her was "Grandma Linnie." (Naturally!) Once again, I have continued this tradition with my children and my pets. Isaac is "I-Zee", Allie is "Sweets", and Raelyn the dog is "Rae-Nut."
• How to make birthdays special - Grandma made a three-layer white cake with butterscotch pudding in between, covered with seven-minute frosting. It was a sight to behold and heaven to eat. She made one for everyone's birthdays. I didn't realize the amount of work involved until I grew up and moved away. I missed her cakes so much, I decided to make them myself. I quickly gained a new appreciation for her and the time it took to make just one cake with all of its assembled parts.
• A love of family - Grandma loved all of us. After my mother's schizophrenia became profound, causing her to denounce Grandma and Grandad, Grandma once told me that she and Grandad would welcome her back with open arms, no questions asked.
• The importance of healthy habits - At the breakfast table one morning, I watched Grandma lay a paper towel on the table in front of Grandad, then one-by-one, she placed several vitamins on it. Aghast, I asked, "Is that all Grandad gets for breakfast??" I was relieved when she brought out a box of Frosted Flakes.
• The importance of staying physically active - She enjoyed cooking and baking for loved ones and farmhands, vegetable gardening and flower gardening, playing bridge, and a great many other things. She wasn't one to sit on her hands. Her longevity speaks for itself.
• How to get little ones to sleep - Once in a while, I would stay the night at Grandma and Grandad's house. As I settled in for the night, she tucked me in - starting at my toes, working her way up my wiggly legs and arms as we both giggled. Then, she soothingly crooned, "Seepy-seepy-seep.... Seepy-seepy-seep..."  I used that a good many times over the years with my own kids and with kids in my care. My friends called me "The Baby Whisperer" because of it. I was proud to say, "I learned it from my grandma, who learned it from her mother."

Grandma, if you ever get a chance to read this, I just want to thank you for your investment in me when I was young. As you can see, I have relied on your example on multiple occasions, as you no doubt relied on your mother's and your aunts' examples. Someday, my children will rely on my example. All this excellence has stayed in the family and will continue on through generations. We are strong women who come from strong women.

I love you, Grandma Linnie. Yours, Cinny Linnie<3 div="">

Selling Mom's Stuff

It feels like a relief to slowly get rid of my mother's stuff. I guess it has taken me since last fall to realize that she won't be needing it. I don't know where she is staying or if she is taking her meds. Hopefully, she'll stay in the Baltimore area and continue working with her mobile treatment team. It's depressing to wade through disorganized papers wadded in drawers, with even more disorganized thinking on them.  She is so very very sick. I have more papers to go through, and I dread it.  I skim them and keep the really bad ones in case I ever need proof of her illness. Although if anyone talks with her for 5 minutes it is evident.

Our village is having a village wide garage sale Mother's Day weekend. I plan to have a sale for all the things that we brought up from her Louisville storage unit last year.  It seems appropriate. If I find her, I'll send her the money from the sale so she can continue to live independently. Or, if she needs furniture, we'll buy replacements.  None of her possessions are anything I recognize from my childhood.  My guess is that all of those ended up in another storage unit somewhere and was auctioned off like in American Pickers.  I try not to think about the trunk full of heirlooms and somebody bidding on it. Oh well. You can't take it with you when you go, so you might as well let it go now.

Mother's Day is one of the worst holidays for me. It's the one day of the year that I feel overcome by grief.  She is alive, yet gone. I mourn the relationship we used to have. Her smiles and her saying, "I love you," or "I just enjoy you so much."  She may be capable of saying those things still, but other conversation is very limited and complicated. Maybe someday I'll be better able to articulate this. I guess it's like talking to someone with brain damage who has delusions of grandeur about herself and delusions of the worst in everyone else.  Oh, the things I have read!

Maybe Mother's Day will be different this year, knowing that I'm doing something to help her. Maybe I'll be able to think about my own family or my amazing stepmom or my wonderful mother-in-law, or my friends who show me up close how to be a mom.

I look forward to having an empty basement and garage and being able to move on from the hopes I let get too high.

Surgery update

Shane's surgery went well, except it wasn't exactly the surgery Shane thought it was going to be.  He thought he was getting bone put in the roof of his mouth, but that will be the next surgery (Stage 2).  Today was Stage 1 -- patching the holes in the roof of his mouth and repositioning the muscles to their proper place.  In Stage 2, they will also fix his lip.  At minimum, that surgery will be 3 months off.  In Stage 3, they will fix his nose so he can breathe better.

More later.